Timeline for fun list by shonzilla
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"No. I want the salad...Live a little? I'm ordering lunch. I don't have a choice between salad or fucking skydiving."
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Sorry, shit my dad says got hacked. My dad isn't trying to sell you a crappy lap top, I promise. Don't open any links.
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"He's a politician. It's like being a hooker. You can't be one unless you can pretend to like people while you're fucking them."
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"You don't have to be good to succeed. You just gotta be the least shitty option. Example: We're eating at The Olive Garden."
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"You came out of your mom looking like shit. She thought you were beautiful. Don't know what scared me most, your looks or her judgment."
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"Put the rake down. I don't wanna sit around watching you 'give it your best.' Either stop sucking or get the fuck out of the way."
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"See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I'm thinking; How can I give less of shit? That's why I look interested."
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"Invite them. A wedding is a loaded gun. Don't be the asshole staring down the barrel asking which button makes the boom noise."
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"Don’t focus on the one guy who hates you. You don’t go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog shit."
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"Engagement rings are pointless. Indians gave cows...Oh sorry, congrats on proposing. We good now? Can I finish my indian story?"
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"Look, we're basically on earth to shit and fuck. So unless your job's to help people shit or fuck, it's not that important, so relax."
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"No. Humans will die out. We're weak. Dinosaurs survived on rotten flesh. You got diarrhea last week from a Wendy's."
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"They're offended? Fuck, shit, asshole, shitfuck; they're just words...Fine. Shitfuck isn't a word, but you get my point."
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"I don't want your advice, you're 27 fucking years old...Fine. I don't want your advice, you're 29 fucking years old."
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“You seen my cell phone?...What’s it look like? Like two horses fucking. It’s a phone, son. It looks like a phone."
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"Stop trying so hard. He doesn't like you. Jesus, don't kiss an ass if it's in the process of shitting on you."
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"I didn't say you were ugly. I said your girlfriend is better looking than you, and standing next to her, you look ugly."
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"Don't ask for my opinion then. I said congrats on the car, just saying nobody's panties are getting wet from a fucking Honda Accord."
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"War hero? No. I was a doc in Vietnam. My job was to say "This is what happens when you screw a hooker, kid. Put this cream on your pecker."
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"HIDDEN roaming charges? Jesus, Sprint has 'fucking people' down to a science, like they practice it in a fucking lab on mice first."
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