Currated Commons: Palace vs MUFC http://sportazine.com/football/soccer/currated-commons-palace-mufc/

This entry was originally posted on G+ and dedicated to the public domain by Andy Cowling.

Took my seat in the corner. Unfortunately guest ale Bombadier Burning Gold had been replaced by Brill Gold which was OK but not as nice.

Guildford Red (Ben) arrived after 10 minutes. He saw me, I saw him but we didn’t even bother to acknowledge each other. I think he was still sore after the RvP penalty incident.

Thankfully, he struck up a repartee with a chap at the bar who occasionally comes in and spouts the longest ever, cliche ridden, predictable, media inspired, interminable stream of crap since Vesuvius last erupted.

His main themes for the day were Carrick, Carrick, Michael Carrick and Carrick.,

Carrick. He’s obviously listened to Adrian Durham, scoured every MUFC forum listened to Radio 5 606, watched MOTD and read The Sun to arrive at the devastating conclusion that

‘We really miss Carrick’

Thereafter he would seize upon any chance to add to this amazing and startling insight with

‘Oh – you see. Carrick would have passed forward there’
‘Oh – now we’re really starting to miss Carrick ping’ing it forward into the channels now’
‘Jesus – Carrick would have sniffed that out’
‘We simply have to replace Carrick in the summer. That is the biggest task facing the club since rebuilding after Munich’.
‘People wont’ truly appreciate Carrick until he’s retired’.

Don’t disagree but for feck’s sake I don’t need to hear it throughout the first half when I’m just trying to enjoy the game

United correctly awarded penalty which only serves to spark Guildford Red into life. Initially, he was delighted ‘Ah great – Rooney will take this as RvP has a virus. He’s a superb penalty taker’.

I was expecting Kronenburg Keith to interject that he’d read in The Times that van Gaal was pissed off with United’s dismal penalty record and took the responsibility away from Rooney and RvP.

When Guildord red saw Mata pick up the ball, he actually jumps up and hollers at the 72″ screen ‘ WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING ? ROONEY IS THE CLUB CAPTAIN !’ as is every club captain must be automatically designated as the penalty taker for all eternity.

I said nothing. After last week’s trauma, I was half expecting to get a volley of abuse for somehow brining about this change of preferred 12 yard specialist. Thankfully Mata scored right in the corner despite the keeper going the right way.

Beer was flowing – for me at least – I asked the barmaid for another pint and when she served it, I said ‘Thanks, that’s brill’. She surprised me by smiling and actually laughing. Which was nice. I looked upwards at the sporting memorabilia to avoid staring at her bosoms.

Kronenburg Keith didn’t like the fact Rooney was hobbling with a thigh injury and thought he’d run it off at half-time not realising Rooney was doing a short fitness test before conceding way to Falcao.

Guildford Red was hugely impressed with Ashley Young and Fellaini’s contribution and kept telling us that a year ago he didn’t think either would be at the club.

Palace equalised and like all part-timers they turned on the team, criticising every loose pass, every missed tackle – ‘Ah shit – this is just like 8 weeks ago’. ‘Jesus Christ – we need to get Carrick back’ and ‘Palace are going to win this now. We’ve lost the momentum’ and other footballing cliches.

De Gea pulled off an excellent save that stunned Kronenburg Keith so much all he could muster for the next 10 minutes was ‘David De Gea. That’s David De Gea for you. That’s just De Gea’.

Ashley Young crossed for Fellaini to head in the winner. Like all part-timers, they immediately started praising the team – ‘Never in doubt. Always knew we’d get the winner. Herrera’s just controlling midfield. Palace are quite mediocre really and have nothing to play for’.

I got another pint of Brill in and the barmaid gave me a knowing smile. Which was brill.

We held on, Kronenburg Keith stubbornly kept slagging ‘Danny Blind’ off and thought Luke Shaw was ‘a girl’ for going off with ‘a nosebleed’ while Guildford Ben was pressing for Pereira to be given a late run out. I nearly pointed out we’d used our 3 subs but kept quiet.

We all applauded a fantastic United move climaxed by Herrera volleying over.

Final whistle went. Ben and Keith pissed off home to listen to 606 and perhaps call in themselves one day, read the forums and prepare for the Arsenal fixture.

I savoured the result, the silence and another pint of Brill. Falcao played pretty well but, unfortunately, didn’t score 5 times.

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